Learning About Friendships With Girls

Lately, Lia has been struggling with hurt feelings, because her best friend Ella has started to be friends with the other girls in the class.  Lia is friends with them too, but doesn't understand why Ella wants to sit next to the other girls or have play dates with them instead of her.  Yesterday during their field trip, Lia turned to me at one point, visibly upset, and said, "Mommy, Ella only wants to be by (girl in class) and not by me."  

Well, I'm sure I don't have to tell you this broke my heart for my baby girl.  After all, I remember grade school friendships very clearly.  While I have had my lifetime best friend, Sarah, since we were babies in a crib, we didn't attend grade school together.  In grade school I had a circle of six girl friends, and a ton of great memories from those days, but I have to say we were very hard on each other.  At any given time, one or two of us were "best friends", but that could change at a moment's notice, and frequently did.  And I will never forget the hurt I felt when suddenly I went from being the "best friend" to being just one of the six.  I honestly believe it has been the reason that I closely guard the term "best friend" and, with the exception of Sarah, have only bestowed the term on Morgan after college, and in the past few years to Shawna and Kate.  To me, a "best friend" is someone who will always be a best friend, no matter what life throws at you or how much you may disagree.  Best friend is not a title loosely thrown around. 

So . . .  what do I teach my daughter?  I don't have any magic words for her to make her feel better.  Maybe five is too young to understand the dynamics of friendships with girls, but at the same time I need to help her navigate this situation.  

First, I want to teach her confidence, letting her know that she is an awesome friend and an incredible person.  I want her to understand that she is fun, nice, funny and talented.  I want her to know that no matter what Ella does, it is not a reflection of Lia at all.  

Next, I want her to understand that it is okay for her or for Ella to have many friends, and that it doesn't mean they can't still be friends with each other.  I want to encourage her to make her own friendships, just like Ella is doing.  (And I made a mental note to myself to invite other girls over for play dates to help her do this.)  

Finally, I want to help Lia find friendships outside of school.  I haven't figured out how or when, but I want her to have solid relationships outside of her classroom, like I had with Sarah, to help her feel like the world doesn't begin and end with grade school.  

I am convinced that the way to help our girls is to develop their confidence in themselves.  I watch my daughter struggle with this - whether it is public speaking for the first time on share day, feeling comfortable wearing a crazy hair-do on crazy hair day without knowing what everyone else is doing, or making new friends when the old ones are moving on.  She reminds me so much of myself.  

I didn't find my confidence until I was in college.  I had really hoped to spare some of those tough years for her.  But maybe there is nothing that I can do and it's something she has to learn, just like I did.  Until then, perhaps the best thing I can do is just be there to hug her when her feelings are hurt.