Jumping To Conclusions

Whenever Ben has a bad day, getting in trouble and such, I quickly jump to the conclusion that he has eaten something to cause the reaction.  I don't know if I will ever lose that instinct.  I analyze everything I know he's eaten, trying to determine patterns of foods that may have caused the behavior.  Then I start slyly quizzing him to see if he will admit to eating anything bad.  (I can usually tell if he's telling the truth or not.)  If those ideas come up empty I may consider the fact that he's a six year old boy and this is what they do sometimes, but nah - it has to be the food.  And in my defense, for the last year, it really has been the food.

But yesterday, an evening that I went straight from work to a client dinner and didn't get to see my family, I jumped to the wrong conclusion.  Talking on my blue tooth to Darrin while I drove to dinner, he told me that Ben had gotten in some serious trouble at Miss P's (his daycare) for inappropriate potty talk.  Like, REALLY inappropriate.  I was embarrassed and shocked at the same time because he doesn't talk like this at home.  (I'm probably making it sound worse than it is - there were no bad words or age-inappropriate phrasing - just butt/poop/stinky type stuff.)  Instantly I start quizzing Darrin:  Did you ask him if he ate anything, did he eat his lunch, does he seem to be reacting?  Darrin told me to relax, it was just a boy thing.  As a consequence, Darrin had Ben write three pages of sentences, which is like torture for Ben. 

This morning I questioned Ben about the sentences and he shamefully told me that he was using potty talk at Miss P's and got in trouble.  I explained to both my children that if I heard anyone say potty talk it would be instant time out.  When we got to Miss P's, I had Ben go to her, apologize, and promise not to do it again.  I could tell by his body language that he was very embarrassed and remorseful.  At that point I knew that this was a six year old boy thing and NOT a food reaction at all. 

The difference is that when Ben is reacting, there is no remorse, no shame and no consequence that even puts a pause in the bad behavior.  The only thing that works to correct behavior in a reaction is to remove him from the situation.  But even when he calms down, he still has a distorted view of reality and things are always someone else's fault.  On the contrary, when Ben is not reacting, he can analyze his own behavior, draw conclusions himself, and feel the pain of a consequence.  He also feels truly sorry.  Getting back in the car to head over to school, I explained to Ben that we didn't need to discuss this episode anymore, that he had made a mistake and that was okay - because we learn from our mistakes. 

What I learned was that maybe we are really through the dark time in our lives, and I need to get to know this little boy that I can now see through all the clutter.  He is a sensitive, caring, lovable boy who only wants to please people - even if making his friends laugh gets him into trouble.  I am so filled with gratitude that because the clutter is gone, Ben can now learn from these lessons as he gets older, and hopefully doesn't make the same ones twice.