Don't Make Me Hold My Breath

 When you have two or more kids, and one of your children has special needs, like a disability, ADHD, health issues, behavior problems, whatever, how do you ensure that you still give enough time to your other kids?  I really struggle with this because I feel like Ben needs a lot of our attention and time - with discipline in the days before Feingold, with homework (and still some discipline) now, and just with life in general.  I often find myself wondering if Lia feels a little left out in the process.

I read this excellent book called "Children the Challenge" which was written in the 1960's I think, and has outdated parts to it (like leaving your child alone in the car while you're in the grocery store if they aren't behaving, and how women entering the workforce is one of the most influential social issues affecting children).  But I actually highly recommend it for the strategies on parenting.  It has this awesome chapter about birth order and how each child takes on a role from the time they are born, based on their birth order and the role the previous children have already claimed.  For example, if child number 1 is the scholar, then child number 2 will choose to be the athlete.  If child number 1 is the angel, child number 2 will choose to be the devil.  And this role will perpetuate and eventually become their identity.  Very interesting.

I was thinking today about my beautiful, sassy four year old daughter and how the last four years and our struggles with her brother (and our last 10 months working hard on successes) have affected her life.  I realized that very early on in her childhood, this little diva found ways to draw the attention away from her brother.  First and foremost, Lia is a breath holder.  That may sound cute, but a six month old baby who cries so hard that she suddenly turns blue and faints - that's not very cool.  Luckily the doctor explained what it was and how to stop an episode (blow quickly up her nose to make her catch her breath) so I didn't panic every time it happened, but it still freaks you out.  Every time.  She has continued this habit and has scared family and friends more than once as she starts crying, stops breathing, and faints, right there in her tracks.  Last summer she fell while riding a bike and barely skinned her knee, started crying hard and fainted, falling face first into a pine tree.  The faint caused way more damage than the original incident!  The last few months we've been teaching her to "BREATH!" while she's upset, so if you ever hear her crying and us calmly reminding her to "BREATH!", that's why. 

When she was four months old and I went back to work full time, she refused to take a bottle and would starve herself all day at daycare - which meant I had to be up with her when she woke every 2 hours at night to eat.  I did this for about three months until one day, too exhausted to even move, I told my husband that he had to help me and get up with her that night.  Instead, he suggested we make her bottle really, really warm - and that girl downed the whole thing right then.  Darrin said, "Think about it, your body is almost 100 degrees, how hot do you think your milk is?"  In exchange I hit him with a meat mallet.  Wait, maybe I imagined that part.

These days our cutie is a total hypochondriac.  Every little cut, bruise or scratch requires a band-aid.  She LOVES medicine (even the non-colored, non-flavored tylenol we had made at a compound pharmacy, blech!).  She just discovered this week that if she acts really sick at daycare, Mom gets to come pick her up.  That's nice.  We're trying not to give this stage too much attention.  I don't really want this habit to stick.

And she's also learned how to play the victim very well.  So well in fact, that I think she may be a very good soccer player when she grows up.  She knows just how to goad her brother enough to make him lash out, and then she cries like he tortured her with waterboarding.  I admit, I fell for it a few times.  She's really that good at it.

But aside from these negative attention getters, this girl has really chosen to play the role of "good child" and she fills it very easily.  She is uber sensitive to pleasing us.  So much so that when I accidentally pull out my Mean-Mom-Face that works so well with Ben, she gets big crocodile tears and says "Mom, are you mad at me?" very innocently.  Oops, forgot I'm not supposed to use that face with her!   

Lia is very sensitive about loving everyone and having them love her.  Thanks to Disney she really believes that all girls are princesses and one day they will marry their prince.  She already knows that her prince is Ben's friend, Evan, and she can't be swayed otherwise.  Lia gives the world's best cuddles, she was born blond (if she didn't have my eyes and her daddy's toes, I'd wonder. . . ), she adores kitties, she is very considerate of others, and she recently decided she hates cheese.  She only likes to wear dresses and skirts, especially big frilly skirts that "go out" when she spins.  She sings to herself all the time - right now it's all Christmas carols.  She wears my high heels and jewelry, hates to have her hair brushed or put in pony tails, can already write and even read a little at four years old, and has a very funny sense of humor.  Most importantly, I can always count on her to be my "shopping buddy" and she has stamina! 

I know one day her prince will come and ride away with her, and I will not be ready for that day.  Until then I enjoy every wonderful minute of my little princess and often find myself putting down those dishes or laundry to read her a book or play dollhouse with her.  Tonight I let my little hypochondriac (who may just happen to have an ear infection - need to get that checked out tomorrow) fall asleep in my arms.  And I thought to myself, I don't do this nearly enough.